Parenting Techniques for ODD

Because I don't want to only focus on diet, because really, diet is only a portion of what we need to do to make life easy, I am also going to look into parenting techniques for children with ODD. Again, my son may not actually HAVE ODD, but he displays an alarming number of the signs and symptoms.

I have been searching the web all day and found a website called Empowering Parents. They have a questionnaire you can answer to receive specialized parenting tips for children who have or may have ODD. I asked for information regarding angry outbursts or explosive behavior , disrespect or verbal abuse, hitting or destroying property, and Ignoring disciplinary efforts and consequences. I plan to copy and paste the emails here for future reference, but mostly because I think it's great information that could help someone else out.

Here is the first email, focusing on angry outbursts. Not surprisingly at all, I have been going about this all wrong. No wonder we're not getting anywhere with him!

Your Personal Parenting Plan

Dear Jenn,

When your child has angry outbursts if he doesn’t get his way, it sets you and your entire family on edge. Most parents never anticipate having to deal with explosive behavior in their child and, understandably, have no idea how to handle it. But you need to know what to do because, if left unchecked, this behavior can spell big trouble later on for your child.

In this part of your Personal Parenting Plan, I’ll give you 4 rules that I’ve found to be very effective when dealing with children who act out in anger.

1. Don’t challenge your child when he’s angry. Many times parents deal with angry outbursts by challenging their kids in the heat of the moment or yelling back. Challenging or confronting your child about misbehavior when he’s angry is like throwing a lit match onto a pile of firecrackers. The result will be an outburst that’s bigger, hotter and angrier. The best immediate response to your child’s anger is no emotion at all. Just stay as level and calm as you can. When you can stay calm, you’re lending your child your strength in these moments.

2. Don’t try to reason or use logic with a child who’s losing it. Sometimes parents do the opposite of the angry challenge. They try reasoning or being logical with the child when he’s having a tirade. At first blush, this might seem to make sense. After all, as adults we use logic to work through tense, difficult situations. The problem is, children and teenagers don’t have the ability to stop and reason the way we do. Your “logic” may end up sounding like a foreign language to your child when he’s having a fit with you in the kitchen. Save the logic for later. Wait until your child calms down, then have a problem solving discussion.

3. With younger kids: Don’t coddle. Give a little distance. When a younger child is having a tantrum, the temptation can be to pick up the child just to get him to stop or to walk away. I’ve found that a better approach is to move away slightly and help them start to learn how to calm down. For example, if your child is on the floor kicking and screaming, you might say, “I wish I could help you calm yourself down. Maybe you can lie on the couch for a bit until you can get it together.” Let your child learn that managing his emotions is his problem to solve. Not yours.

4. No matter how much they push, don’t re–negotiate. When your child is screaming and reacting angrily, it can be intimidating. Parents have a tendency to re–negotiate after bad behavior in these situations because they’re having a hard time handling their own emotions. Remember: if you give in and re–negotiate, your child learns that angry outbursts work for him. Instead, wait until he calms down, then talk about the steps he can take to solve his problem.

Should You Give Consequences for Losing Control? This is an important question I wanted to address in this part of your plan. I believe that if a child becomes angry and loses control now and again after misbehavior, you should give consequences for the misbehavior, not the anger. However, if angry outbursts have become a pattern for your child, and it’s clear that he’s using anger as a way to deal with his problems on a regular basis, then you do want to give him consequences for that. Not a punishment, but a consequence that will motivate him to find a more effective way to solve his problem besides lashing out at you and others.

Please take a look at the article by our Parental Support Team called Angry Child Outbursts on Empowering Parents. You’ll get 6 more tips that you can use with your child when he explodes on you. Also check out my husband James’ article, Anger with an Angle. He’ll show you how to talk to your child about misbehavior in a way that will keep the anger from flaring up.

We’ll see you tomorrow with the next part of your Personal Parenting Plan.

This is a lot of great information! Don't challenge! NOVEL! Why hadn't I thought of it. Of COURSE he's not going to be able to employ logic when he's angry! I have from time to time sent him to his room to continue his angry outburst and when he's calm he can come back out and talk to me about whatever is bothering him, but not often enough. Like last night... I tried to talk to him and find out what was wrong before he had calmed down.

I always re-negotiate with him when he's angry just to get the anger to stop! For now on I'll just let him have his fit, then talk it out with him. I mean, that's what I do with my 2 year old daughter whose going through her 2 year old tantrum stage. Let her kick and scream it out, calm down and then tell her how it is. Why don't I also do this with my son? It makes total sense! BRILLIANT!

This is why I have chosen to take two approaches to my son's behavior - because sometimes we parents need to be trained too.

Rough Morning - Oppositional Definance Disorder

We had a rough morning today. Dear Son (DS) was doing everything in his power to completely defy my demands that he stop certain behaviors (making various noises with his mouth - clicking his tongue, slurping sounds, etc). It was like he was deliberately trying to annoy me. It was a rough morning with frustration, yelling and tears. Not the way I want to start the day. I tried my hardest to remain calm and correct his behavior with calm instructions but after directing your son to stop making these noises SIX TIMES I tend to get a bit frustrated. And what is worse is that my daughter followed his lead and started also making the noises. I finally resorted to a single swat on the butt to get his attention and indicate that I am serious when I tell him to stop doing something.

What is weird to me is that he was a beautifully behaved child before having breakfast. He got dressed without much fuss (I had to ask him a couple times to put his pants on instead of playing with them, but I don't consider that to be defiance, just a kid being a kid). So, this makes me wonder if something in his breakfast triggered his behavior this morning. He had 1 egg and sausage as usual. Maybe he has a sensitivity to eggs or something. I already get the "cleanest" sausage available in the stores. Aside from being made from CAFO meat, it has no other alarming qualities. No MSG, no sugar, no preservatives... It's the sausage I ate when I was following the Whole30 protocol.

Anyhow, as I was thinking about this blog in the shower this morning, I thought about seeking out information on Oppositional Defiance Disorder as well b/c my kid isn't really hyper, he just defiant. And a friend of my sister has her daughter on medication for the same disorder. I thought if I found some information on diet change and ODD, I could share it with her so her daughter could be taken off of medication.

So, I started searching. I found a forum where someone posted information from the Mayo Clinic regarding ODD. DS has a LOT of signs of ODD. And from what I'm finding, ODD is another mental health disorder that can benefit greatly from diet change.

Here is what the Mayo describes as ODD. The signs I feel my son expresses are in red.

Your child may be displaying signs of ODD instead of normal moodiness if the behaviors:

• Are persistent
• Have lasted at least six months
• Are clearly disruptive to the family and home or school environment

The following are behaviors associated with ODD:

• Negativity
• Defiance
• Disobedience
• Hostility directed toward authority figures

These behaviors might cause your child to regularly and consistently:

• Have temper tantrums
• Be argumentative with adults
• Refuse to comply with adult requests or rules
• Annoy other people deliberately
• Blames others for mistakes or misbehavior
• Acts touchy and is easily annoyed
• Feel anger and resentment
• Be spiteful or vindictive
• Act aggressively toward peers
• Have difficulty maintaining friendships
• Feel a lack of self-esteem - I'm not sure if he really expresses this one or not... it's possible.
• Have academic problems - I wish they had defined this a bit more. He's a smart kid and does well academically, but has problems minding the teacher... does that qualify as academic problems?

In addition, your child isn't likely to see his or her behavior as defiant. Instead, your child will probably believe that unreasonable demands are being placed on him or her.

Wow. Not sure why I chose to differentiate between what he displays and doesn't display since I highlighted them all... So, now that I have a pretty good suspicion for what we're dealing with - ODD instead of ADHD/ADD, maybe we can build steam and nip this in the bud. From what I've read, ODD goes further than just gluten sensitivity and we will also have to evaluate dairy intolerance and color additive sensitivities. I guess this weekend I'll get some almond milk and see if he'll drink it.

I'll probably be posting a lot of links or doing a lot of article reviews today. Sorry if I blow up your inboxes. ;)

Incoherent meltdown

DS had a blue day at school today. His teacher said he kept doing things after being told not to. I expressed my disappointment in his behavior. He started telling me about what another kid was doing. I told him I didn't care what the other kid was doing, and he told me it was mean to say that I don't care about the other kid. A discussion ensued about how the other kid is not my kid and as such I don't care what he does behaviorally. For whatever reason, this made DS start crying. 

Fast forward to after we got home. He was whiny and annoying, crying because the wrong cartoon was on tv, mad because I hadn't gotten him a cup of milk yet, and pitching a fit because I told him no to having a hot dog. I finally got tired of hearing him say "I'm hungry!" and allowed him a hot dog and some milk. Afterwards he kept fussing about being hungry, but fell asleep before dinner was ready. 

After getting dinner done, he woke up and was talking incoherently. I have no idea what he was saying. I imagine he was "awake" but still living out whatever dream he was having. I told him dinner was ready and he should go eat. He went out and sat at the table. Got up and decided to take off his pants. He was unable to get his feet out of his pants and got frustrated. Started crying and carrying on. I asked him what the problem was. He expressed his frustration with not being able to get his pants off and then threw a fit when I wouldn't let him take his underwear off. 

The fit continued. I touched him and he lashed out and crawled to the other side of the couch. He kicked me. I swatted his leg, lightly, and told him kicking is inappropriate. He started crying again. I asked him to stop crying so he could listen to me. He screamed at the top of his lungs at me. I don't know what he said because he screamed it so loudly it was indiscernible. At this point, I sent him to his room and told him he does not talk to me like that. 

After he calmed down and came out from his room, he started whining about dinner and laid on the couch for a while, asking for cartoons. I told him he could watch cartoons again if he ate some dinner. He sat at the table for a while, fussing and whining and fake coughing, refusing to eat. He finally ate probably two pieces of chicken. 

I've seen some interesting behavior from this child but nothing like this. He was more emotional than I have ever seen him before. I don't understand it. I really don't get it. 

After everyone calmed down, I asked him what he was so mad about and he said he doesn't remember. 

I think he'll take a bath and then go to bed and we'll start over tomorrow.